Keep Coming Back
Why should you keep coming back?
A key message to newcomers is always, “Keep coming back.” Why is this message always a good idea?
Meetings are helpful, and often even fun, but they are not the Program of recovery. The Program of recovery is the Twelve Steps. Work the Steps and (most of) you will find recovery. “The elevator to recovery is broken; you have to take the Steps.”
As another adage says, “Put the Program into yourself, and put yourself into meetings.”
So if meetings aren’t the Program of recovery, why go to meetings? Here are seven reasons to keep coming back.
Sponsor
To learn how to work the Steps correctly, a “best practice” is to have a sponsor. A sponsor’s job is to guide you and me through the Steps. The sponsor is not a counselor, therapist or friend. The sponsor is simply a guide to help you and me work the Steps effectively, to develop permanent, quality recovery.
Meetings are where I listen to people with quality sobriety. I found someone who referred directly to the Big Book, and who made sense to me. He had already worked the Steps, and knew how to work the Steps. He had been sober 11 years at the time. At a meeting, I asked him to be my sponsor, and after we met for a chat, he agreed to sponsor me. With a good sponsor, and by willingly and patiently investing my labor (P. 163), I achieved long-term recovery.
Where did I find my sponsor? In meetings. Keep coming back.
Immersion
The next thing a newcomer needs is to learn as much as possible about how to stay sober. I found much to learn: how to work each of the Twelve Steps; how my addictions affect people I love; techniques for dealing with stress; how spirituality differs from religion; communication strategies to avoid anger and resentment; how to pray; how Bill W. and Dr. Bob got sober; what to do when I want a drink or drug; what is “my business” and what is “none of my business;” what kind of candy would satisfy my cravings; and much more.
Most people find that one meeting a week is insufficient to maintain early sobriety. I did “90 meetings in 90 days,” as my sponsor recommended. Then I continued with lots of meetings, attending 285 my first year. I immersed myself in the Program in order to stay sober, to learn about the program, to meet people and to overcome my isolation.
Keep coming back.
Isolation
One of the frequent side effects of alcohol and drug addiction is isolation. I had “friends” with whom I drank and shared drugs at our favorite after work bar, but I also drank and drugged alone. Often I would go to a bar by myself. There I drank all alone, isolated, even though there may have been 200 people in the room! And of course, I tried to hide the extent of my drinking and drugging from my wife, boss, co-workers and everyone else.
This isolation, coupled with the depressive effects of alcohol, kept me in a mild depression. As the saying goes, “Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.”
Once I got sober, I completely lost contact with all of my former drinking buddies. I made no effort to call any of them, and none of them contacted me. People in the Program suggested I change “playmates and playpens,” so I did. I went to meetings instead of to bars.
Going to meetings helped me get out of myself and develop new relationships with people who were taking a healthier approach to life. We said hello before meetings began; we shared our stories; we hugged afterward; we went to holiday parties sponsored by our home group; we kept up with events in each others’ lives; we even went to a funeral together. We began caring for others, instead of brooding about ourselves.
Keep coming back.
Higher Power
Meetings are particularly important for beginners. In those early days, I had to (1) admit powerlessness and unmanageability, (2) find a Higher Power that is stronger than my own willpower, and (3) decide to turn my will and life over to that Higher Power.
Some people take the Fellowship as their Higher Power, at least for a while (yes, we can change our conception of God as we change our understanding of God over time). Clearly the group is more powerful than the individual. For a while I relied on the group as my Higher Power. Real peers at meetings — people who share similar experiences — helped me stay sober a day at a time while I worked on those first three Steps. While these Steps are simple, they may be difficult for the newly-sober.
Keep coming back.
Feedback
During early sobriety, I experienced a lot of change, even though I still lived in the same home, with the same wife, with the same job. I gained clarity in my thoughts. The chemistry of my brain and my entire body changed because I no longer dosed it daily with alcohol and drugs. This process took several months. For two years I had occasional drunk dreams and drug dreams.
Working on my Fourth Step, I reconsidered how I related to people, how I treated them and why, how I wanted to treat them in the future. and what I wanted out of my relationships. I started to look at my values, priorities and habits. I changed from chronically late (selfish) to reliably punctual (respectful).
Like many alcoholics, I did not like all the changes in my life. These changes were disruptive to the way I had lived. I needed a way to air those changes, to check if they were “normal,” to get feedback from people who had had similar experiences.
Keep coming back.
Pass It On
Even a person with quality sobriety needs ways to continue to stay sober. The best way to stay sober is to work with another alcoholic. By working with others — sponsoring others — a sponsor stays sober, even if the protégé does not.
Carrying the message — in meetings and elsewhere — is one of two requirements for performing the Twelfth Step.
Where do I find people to work with? Several places: my own family, friends, and former drinking buddies. Some people in recovery also visit treatment centers, hospitals, jails, even bars.
And also at meetings. I have found several protégés at meetings. My home group asks us to raise a hand if we are willing to sponsor others so newcomers know whom they can ask. I raise my hand every time, and I have sponsored several people I met at meetings. Sometimes these efforts pay off, and sometimes not. But every time I work with someone else, I stay sober.
Keep coming back.
Quality
The Fellowship — other alcoholics in recovery, groups of people in meetings big and small, and recovery clubs — is one of two pillars holding up recovery (the other pillar is the Program of recovery, the Twelve Steps). That’s why we celebrate the beginning of the Fellowship on Dr. Bob’s last sobriety date, not on Bill W.’s. That’s why Bill W.’s official biography is titled Pass It On.
Historically, meetings preceded the Twelve Steps. The Program grew out of the Fellowship.
Listening to other sober people share their experiences — how they have confronted and reacted soberly to what life throws at them, what they have learned through working the Steps, how they have carried the message, and how they have worked with others — helped me improve the quality of my sobriety.
Speaking about my own experiences — how I confronted and reacted soberly to what life has thrown at me, and what I learned by working the Steps — is carrying the message, working with others, and improving the quality of my sobriety.
Today, meetings are where alcoholics listen and share with each other to improve the quality of their sobriety.
Keep coming back.
Meetings are an important element of recovery, though they are not the Program of recovery. Meetings are where: I found a sponsor to guide my Step work; I became immersed in the Program; I reversed my isolation; I leaned on the group to serve as my Higher Power for a while; I got feedback about all the changes I experienced; I found people to work with in my Twelfth Step; I listened and I shared, and I improved the quality of my sobriety.
Please keep coming back. It works.
